How to Support Someone Dealing with Infertility
What Is Infertility?
According to the WHO (World Health Organization), one in six couples face fertility challenges while trying to conceive. Infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant or conceive a year after unprotected sex. Infertility can be attributed to both known (a medical condition) and unknown factors (unexplained infertility). Infertility is not just a “women’s problem,” men can also have conditions that contribute to infertility.
Why Do People With Infertility Struggle With Their Mental Health?
Despite how common fertility challenges are, this is a topic that is not discussed openly in our society along with fertility care not being accessible to many people. In the US, insurance companies don’t cover the cost of IVF with average of each cycle costing between $15,000 and $20,000. The social stigma with the financial hardships associated with infertility treatments can have a significant impact on one’s emotional and psychological well-being, leading to feelings of isolation, anxiety, shame, a lack of control over one’s body and journey of family planning.
According to a literature review, 25% to 65% of individuals experiencing fertility challenges report psychiatric symptoms such as anxiety and depression and rate their level of distress significantly higher than those not experiencing fertility challenges. (De Berardis D., Mazza M., Marini S., et al. Psychopathology, emotional aspects and psychological counseling in infertility: a review).
Given how common fertility challenges are, it’s likely that you know someone in your life who has been impacted by infertility.
What should I say when someone tells me about their infertility issues?
If a friend or couple chooses to share their fertility challenges with you, know that it’s taken a lot for them to open up to you and try to be mindful of how you show support to them. Despite having good intentions in your heart, refrain from saying these statements as they can cause them more pain and isolation.
Do not say relax and it will happen. This assumes that their infertility is caused by them not relaxing, when this is a medical condition. This statement minimizes their pain and implies that they are somehow responsible for their fertility issues.
Do not say everything happens for a reason. This statement also minimizes their pain and implies that there is a reason for them to be going through this very painful experience.
Do not give them advice on how to get pregnant if you’re not their doctor or medical provider. Refrain from asking questions such as, “Have you considered taking ovulation tests, have you tried herbs, have you and your partner gone on vacation? I know a friend of mine who got pregnant as soon as they stopped worrying about getting pregnant and went to Palm Springs for a weekend away.” While your intention is to be helpful, these statements may be upsetting and frustrating for your friend to hear, try to refrain from trying to “fix “things for them and listen instead without giving advice.
Do not say just pray and it will happen: This can also be hurtful and minimizing, while prayer can be helpful for those who find meaning in it, this statement can minimize their medical diagnosis and assume that prayer will resolve their fertility challenges.
Do not say I know what you’re going through, it took me a few months to get pregnant. The reality is that everyone’s situation is unique, and you don’t know what they are going through. By using this statement, you miss the opportunity to listen and provide the space for them to feel heard by you.
If your friend has gone through pregnancy loss, don’t say at least you got pregnant, or it happened for a reason. It ignores their pain and grief.
If you are pregnant or sharing someone else’s pregnancy story, remember that while your friend may be happy for you, this news may also bring up feelings of sadness and grief for them. Try not to take it personally if they choose not to attend your baby shower or don’t want to hear all your pregnancy details and remember that they still care about you.
How to show up and what to say instead to be supportive:
→ This sounds so painful and hard, I wish you didn’t have to go through this.
→ How are you doing?
→ I’m here to listen.
→ How can I support you as you go through this?
→ What do you need right now?
Remember that with most painful experiences, you can’t fix your loved ones' issues or their pain. What you can do to be helpful is to show up and listen, which is the best thing you can offer to them.
